Lost

The things I would never say, but need to say. This is how I feel, and sometimes I just don't want to feel it anymore. Putting here will put it somewhere that is not inside of my head.

Dear You,
I want to be here, I want so desperately to be here for you and help you make these decisions. I wish I could give you the answers, but I'm not really a fan of cheating. You need to find the answers by yourself. But the thing is, you're not looking for the answers. You don't care about the answers, really. Or so it seems. You're stuck in this never-ending cycle, and no matter how much you want to get out of it, I know that there's also a part of you that is afraid to change, to leave what is familiar to you. Familiar. It breaks my heart to think of the things that you consider familiar. Daily sex. Marijuana. Keeping secrets. Fighting. Stale bread and Ramen. A cramped, dirty, basement fit for 3 people, which houses 7, sometimes up to 10. That's what you want to go back to? Is that really what you want? You've been given a home, with people who care about you and want the best for you and are willing to help you at whatever cost. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want the best for you. And he sure as heck wouldn't give much, if anything to help you. He's the one you keep running back to?

You're missing the importance of you. Of who you really are. It's a hard thing to understand, just how much you're worth, just how beautiful you really are. It's something I struggle with myself, and I have for a long time. But when something is true, it doesn't depend on the belief of people. Just because you believe in something doesn't make it true; you can choose to believe in something that is true. Truth is truth. And truth is what people search so earnestly for in this life. Let me tell you, it is a truth that you are worth everything to someone. He loves you more than anyone else ever could. He made you to be the person you are, and you are beautiful because of it. You are His daughter, a most beloved daughter whom He loves so much. He wants the best for you. That is true. Whether you believe it or not, it's true. I hope you believe it.

The harder I try to be here for you, the harder you try to push me away. The more of myself that I make vulnerable, the harder I get stepped on. The more I feel, the more I want to close myself off to you forever. I feel so much right now, because of this. I talk about it, and shut down my emotions because I'm afraid of what will happen when I let them out. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. But, though I sometimes take it for granted, forgiveness is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I've been forgiven for so many things, you'd think I'd be willing to return the favor. I'm trying, really. I will try my absolute hardest, for the sake of you.

You are loved.
---Michelle