Have you ever eaten a currant? I have not. That's for sure.
I want to post a story I heard tonight about currant bushes, but I have to find it first, and I really want to go to bed.
So to be brief,
Things to be happy about:
- I met with Marcos and the missionaries tonight. Things will get better, I know they will.
- I have first off with Esther tomorrow. I love that girl.
- I ran 4.43 miles today while it was snowing. It was beautiful. Cold, but beautiful. And my face was red for about 3 hours after I finished. Again, it's just so beautiful. (If you're into that kind of thing)
- I'M ALIVE.
Tomorrow: story time (about currants) <3
Alex and Marc are definitely getting divorced. Marc found out about Alex's "boyfriend"... I feel so horrible right now. I knew about Matt a couple of weeks ago, but never even thought that it could be a secret from Marc. I could have done something, warned him, instead of him finding out by seeing a picture of them kissing...
Why do I even have to be involved in this? Don't answer that. I know why. I'm here for Kayla. I'm not here to be used as a gossip buddy, or a telling-secrets-behind-his-back buddy. I'm not here to be used at all. I'm sick of being used, actually. I'm Kayla's buddy. I'm here to remind her (and myself) that no matter how crappy today might be, there's always hope for a better tomorrow.
This is Manhattan Beach. Hi there, Manhattan Beach. I miss you.
Today was such a wonderful day. You may be asking yourself, "Why was it such a wonderful day, Michelle?" and I'm here to tell you all about it.
1. I got a decent amount of sleep last night. And while "decent" in my world is equivalent to almost 7 hours, which may not seem like enough, TRUST ME, it's enough. Compared to the usual 5, it's definitely enough.
2. We meditated in my World Lit. class today. It was so crazy and awesome. I am a person who thinks about everything all the time, and while I was meditating, I literally thought about nothing. Except we were supposed to focus on a color. So I was willing myself to be surrounded by a void of light blue. Other than that, nothin'. It was amazing. I really want to try to do that more often. It seems like a healthy, necessary hobby.
3. I love my watercolor class. It is a chance during my hectic days to create beautiful things. I love it. And I love the people I sit with. I know that I will be posting about this in the future, as I'm sure it will only get better. And I'm excited.
4. We had a sub in math today. Me and Katie just go crazy in that class. Well, maybe I go crazy and Katie just makes fun of me. That seems about right. It's so fun and funny. Fun and funny. I got ...not a lot done that hour. But it was alright.
5. There were 6 people present in my APUSH (AP US History) class today. It was so hilarious. The grand total of students in that class is only 12 as it is, and it was so funny that so many people were gone. Needless to say, our discussion circle was more of a discussion clump. Good times :)
6. I had lunch with Emma, Esther, Zoe, Sydney, and Lu today, just like every other Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I just love them. Today was "Tebow Day," so there was a quarterback throwing contest and they played highlights of the Broncos-Steelers game. It was a really fun time actually. I got to try to throw the football into the net/basket thing..but I missed. It was a nice looking spiral, at least.
7. I finished learning my song on the piano today. River Flows in You, by Yiruma. I am in love with that song, and so proud of myself for learning it. It's the only song I can play...I taught myself from a Youtube video. I'm cool, right?
8. I hung out with my dad, and we made a homemade pizza, using ingredients you wouldn't expect. Okay, really the only unexpected ingredient is a tortilla. Figure that one out.
9. I went to the home of the Lovely Lattinos and helped Emma finish her winter-formal-asking project. It's always a good time at the Lattin home. And, she encouraged me to just ask the person I've been wanting to ask. I'm so lame for not asking him to homecoming. I really regret that. No, I don't, actually, because I had a really good time. Basically, the point of #9 is to share that Emma is great, and I am going to ask this boy, as friends, no matter what. Carpe diem!
Today was one of those days that I realized that every day is a blessing. Some days are harder or longer than others, but we are given one life, and a very limited number of days. So we better live every one, and enjoy it to the best of our ability. I love life right now. I am happy. And it feels SO good. :)
Things to look forward to
TOMORROW:
Church basketball
First winter lax game
Dinner for the missionaries
Famous person's birthday party, downtown with my bestest friends
BRONCOS GAME. Tim Tebow = Tim Te-bro
SUNDAY:
I love every Sunday. CHURCH is on Sundays.
I'm speaking in church. Sharing my conversion story. Wish me luck!
PS. I want to go to California. I miss the beach, the summery feel of every place you go. This summer, I will get there somehow. Someway. Between nannying and hiking, I will make time for California.
If you're ever in need of meeting someone cool, introduce yourself to some Mormon missionaries. They are honestly the coolest people you'll meet in your life. I am blessed to know all of the missionaries that have served in the Orchard Ward, and all of the others I've met along the way. And if you're ever in need of something to do that will change your life while changing countless others in the process, serve a full time mission. 3 years left for me. I cannot wait.
When I'm upset, I talk to myself and stay up late because I'm talking to myself and I get really involved in these conversations and I get really involved in these conversations because sometimes I'm the only one that will listen to me and I am afraid to sleep because I want to figure everything right now and I get overwhelmed and sometimes overheated which is weird but it's true and I really just wish I was normal sometimes and I'll get four hours or less of sleep tonight that's all BYE.
The things I would never say, but need to say. This is how I feel, and sometimes I just don't want to feel it anymore. Putting here will put it somewhere that is not inside of my head.
Dear You,
I want to be here, I want so desperately to be here for you and help you make these decisions. I wish I could give you the answers, but I'm not really a fan of cheating. You need to find the answers by yourself. But the thing is, you're not looking for the answers. You don't care about the answers, really. Or so it seems. You're stuck in this never-ending cycle, and no matter how much you want to get out of it, I know that there's also a part of you that is afraid to change, to leave what is familiar to you. Familiar. It breaks my heart to think of the things that you consider familiar. Daily sex. Marijuana. Keeping secrets. Fighting. Stale bread and Ramen. A cramped, dirty, basement fit for 3 people, which houses 7, sometimes up to 10. That's what you want to go back to? Is that really what you want? You've been given a home, with people who care about you and want the best for you and are willing to help you at whatever cost. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want the best for you. And he sure as heck wouldn't give much, if anything to help you. He's the one you keep running back to?
You're missing the importance of you. Of who you really are. It's a hard thing to understand, just how much you're worth, just how beautiful you really are. It's something I struggle with myself, and I have for a long time. But when something is true, it doesn't depend on the belief of people. Just because you believe in something doesn't make it true; you can choose to believe in something that is true. Truth is truth. And truth is what people search so earnestly for in this life. Let me tell you, it is a truth that you are worth everything to someone. He loves you more than anyone else ever could. He made you to be the person you are, and you are beautiful because of it. You are His daughter, a most beloved daughter whom He loves so much. He wants the best for you. That is true. Whether you believe it or not, it's true. I hope you believe it.
The harder I try to be here for you, the harder you try to push me away. The more of myself that I make vulnerable, the harder I get stepped on. The more I feel, the more I want to close myself off to you forever. I feel so much right now, because of this. I talk about it, and shut down my emotions because I'm afraid of what will happen when I let them out. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. But, though I sometimes take it for granted, forgiveness is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I've been forgiven for so many things, you'd think I'd be willing to return the favor. I'm trying, really. I will try my absolute hardest, for the sake of you.
I love ending the day with a smile on my face. I absolutely love my church. I am persuaded that the Orchard Ward may very well be the greatest group of people/the greatest place on Earth. I love each and every one of those people. They have all done so much for me, there's no way I could possibly repay them. Specifically Emma Lattin -- not only is she my greatest missionary, she is my greatest friend. She has changed my life so immensely. I have never loved one of my friends more. Emma McCall Lattin and Michelle Christine Scott. We will go far in life. Our first destination is BYU, where we will play lax and meet some awesome guys who will be our future husbands (just one each, not multiple...don't worry. We're polygamists, not bigamists. That's a joke. We're not either of those.)
Life is so good right now. I'm a second-semester senior. I have the greatest friends I could ask for. I wake up each day excited for what will happen. I got accepted to BYU-Idaho, so I at least know that I'm going to college. I am a daughter of God.
That last one really says it all. What more could I possibly need?
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Things to look forward to tomorrow:
Sleeping in - it's a late start!
Breakfast at Hope's house
Watercolor and Drawing II
Lunch with Emma, Esther, and Zoe
Going on a run
Babysitting (and taking a nap at the same time)
It'll be a good day.
I have a little bit too much energy for my own good. It's time for me to say goodnight to this good night.
